BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER AND THE HOLY GRAIL
PART 11
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Everything was black except for an extremely bright light ahead of me. As bright as it was,
it did not blind. Rather, it was quite comforting. As I began walking towards the light, I could hear faint voices behind
me:
"Don’t go into the light! Stay away from the light!"
"Xander!"
"1...2...3...breathe."
"Anything?"
"No."
"1...2...3...breathe."
"Wait, I think I’ve got something."
"1...2...3...."
All of a sudden I started to fall and the light fell off into the distance. Then I hit the ground,
and hard. My whole body hurt. And I had the feeling of being...kissed?
*SMACK*
"Ow!" I said.
"Yeah, we got him," an annoyed girl‘s voice spoke.
"Who just...Willow?" I asked, still not sure what just happened.
"No," Willow replied.
"Xander?" I asked, hoping for a no.
"Way no," was his reply.
"I saved you," Cordelia spoke up.
"Thank..." I started to reply.
"Now, get me out of this cave!" Cordelia interrupted.
"Remember, it’s all about her," Xander said.
"Cave? Oh, yeah, right. That. Sorry," I said to all of them, remembering my job here.
Now back to our story:
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Lady Cordelia, the Self Involved: "Wait! I’m still in the cave!"
Xander, King of the Cretins: "What a rip off."
Sir Angel, the Undead: "Follow me, I can lead you out."
Sir Giles, the Wise: "Lead on, Sir Angel."
Sir Angel turns to lead our crusaders out of the cave. In a flash, Lady Buffy and Lady Cordelia each latch onto one of
his arms. Everyone then follows Sir Angel’s lead through the twists and turns of the cave. Eventually, they see light
at the end of the tunnel.
Lady Buffy: "Who has Angel’s box?"
Everyone looks at Xander.
King Xander: "Hey, it wasn’t my turn to lug that thing around."
Sir Angel: "I had it. I dropped it when we were attacked."
Lady Buffy: "How long will it take you to go get it?"
Sir Angel: "There’s no time for that. Go on without me. I can take care of myself."
Lady Buffy: "But...."
Sir Giles: "I’m afraid he’s right. Time is short. We should get on our way."
King Xander: "Sounds like a plan."
Lady Buffy: "But what will you do?"
Sir Angel: "I’ll head back home. Travel when it’s dark. Now get going, you can’t let the Master get the
Grail first." He leaned over and gave Lady Buffy a long hug good-bye.
King Xander: "Well, we’re on a quest, so let’s go...quest."
Once Lady Buffy and Sir Angel are done hugging, Lady Cordelia Grabs and hugs him.
Lady Cordelia: "Take care. We’ll miss you."
Sir Angel: "Um, yeah, OK."
The few remaining crusaders say their good-byes, and Sir Giles leads everyone out of the cave,
into sunlight.
Lady Willow, the Pure: "Look, there’s a path over here."
King Xander: "Great, let’s go."
They follow the path which winds around through the rocks and comes to a great ravine. Ahead
is a small man standing before a rickety bridge.
Sir Robin, the Not so Brave: "What is that?"
Joss, the Enchanter: "It is the Bridge of Death."
Everyone looks around for Joss, the Enchanter, but he isn’t there.
Lady Willow: "He gives me the wiggins when he does that."
Sir Giles: "Yes, of course, the Bridge of Death. According to lore, the Bridge of Death is guarded by a bridge keeper who
must ask all who wish to cross three questions. If you answer all three correctly, you may cross the bridge."
Lady Cordelia: "Some bridge keeper. Look at that thing, it’s falling apart. No way I’m going on that."
Sir Robin: "What if you don’t answer them correctly?"
Sir Giles: "Well, according to lore, if you don’t answer all three questions correctly, you are thrown into the Pit
of Despair."
King Xander: "I nominate Lady Cordelia."
Lady Cordelia: "No, I don’t think so. What about Sir Lancelot?"
Sir Lancelot, the Brave: "Yes, I’ll do it. I’ll make a feint to the south, then I’ll...."
Lady Buffy: "Just answer the questions."
Sir Lancelot: "Oh, OK."
Sir Lancelot approaches the Bridge keeper while the others move within earshot.
Bridge Keeper: "Before you may cross this bridge, you must answer me these questions three."
Sir Lancelot: "Ask your questions. I am not afraid."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your name?"
Sir Lancelot: "Sir Lancelot, the Brave, Knight of the Library Table."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your quest?"
Sir Lancelot: "To seek the Holy Grail."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your favorite color?"
Sir Lancelot: "Blue."
Bridge Keeper: "Very well, go ahead."
Sir Lancelot: "Oh, thank you."
Sir Lancelot carefully crosses the Bridge of Death.
Sir Robin: "That’s easy!"
They all approach the bridge keeper. Sir Robin moves in front.
Bridge Keeper: "Before you may cross this bridge, you must answer me these questions three."
Sir Robin: "Ask. I’m not afraid."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your name?"
Sir Robin: "Sir Robin, the Not so Brave, Knight of the Library Table."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your quest?"
Sir Robin: "To seek the Holy Grail."
Bridge Keeper: "What is the capitol of Syria?"
Sir Robin: "What? I don’t know that. AAAHHHHH!"
Sir Robin is thrown down into the Pit of Despair. Another of our crusaders steps towards the
bridge keeper.
Bridge Keeper: "Before you may cross this bridge, you must answer me these questions three."
Lady Willow: "I am ready."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your name?"
Lady Willow: "Lady Willow, the Pure."
Bridge Keeper: "What is your quest?"
Lady Willow: "To seek Xander Harris."
King Xander: "Huh?"
Bridge Keeper: "What is the average download time of the Posting Board?"
Lady Willow: "With a standard modem or with a T1 connection?"
Bridge Keeper: "I don’t know that. AAAHHHHH!"
The bridge keeper is thrown into the Pit of Despair.
Lady Buffy: "Research Girl comes up with the knowledge."
Sir Giles: "Come, we can cross the bridge safely now."
King Xander: "I take it, in this case, safely is a relative term."
Lady Cordelia: "I’m not crossing that bridge."
Lady Buffy: "Well, you can always wait for us here. All alone."
Lady Cordelia: "OK, I’m coming. Just don’t shake it."
They cross the Bridge of Death, but Sir Lancelot is nowhere to be found.
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Where is Sir Lancelot? Does King Xander realize what Lady Willow’s quest really is? Will I write a short part with
actual humor included? Who exactly is still on this quest? Find out next week.
Same Buffy Channel, Different Buffy Time.
