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BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER AND THE HOLY GRAIL

PART 9

When last we saw our crusaders, they had just reached the Cave of Kylebannor. They hide behind a small ridge just beyond the clearing in front of the cave. The floor of that clearing is littered with bones, and the rock is stained brown with blood. Now, back to our story.

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Lady Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: "OK, so where’s this beast?"

Lady Cordelia, the Self Involved: "Yeah, I don’t see anything."

A little white rabbit hops out of the cave.

Lady Willow, the Pure: "Ooh, look! A bunny!"

Joss, the Enchanter: "There it is!"

Sir Giles, the Wise: "What, behind the rabbit?"

Joss, The Enchanter: "No, it is the rabbit."

Xander, King of the Cretins: "You’ve got to be kidding me."

Lady Willow: "But, it’s such a cute little bunny."

Joss, the Enchanter: "Cute, eh? It can leap...The fangs...Look at the bones!"

Sir Robin, the Not So Brave: "I soiled my armor you had me so worked up!"

King Xander: "Again? What have you been eating, anyway?"

Sir Lancelot, the Brave: "A little rabbit doesn’t scare me. I’ll take care of it."

Sir Giles: "Wait. Perhaps the Enchanter is correct."

Sir Random, the About to Die, one of about 15 knights that are with our crusaders that we’ve never seen before: "Watch this Sir Giles! Take what’s coming to you, you rascally rabbit."

When he nears the rabbit, it lunges though the air taking his head off in one bite! Everyone makes random sounds of disgust and horror.

Joss, the Enchanter: "I told you!"

King Xander: "This is one viscious rabbit."

Lady Willow: "It’s cute though."

Everyone stares at Lady Willow in bewilderment.

Lady Willow: "But I wouldn’t want it as a pet."

Sir Lancelot: "I say we attack in force. If enough of us attack, we should be able to beat the beast."

Joss, the Enchanter: "I wouldn’t do that if I were you."

Sir Lancelot: "Men, attack!"

Sir Lancelot, Sir Giles, King Xander, Lady Buffy and all the remaining random soldiers attack the rabbit. The rabbit fights back, and wipes out over half the force in less than a minute.

King Xander: "Run away! Run away!"

They return to their hiding spot behind the rocks. With surprising speed, the rabbit devours all the bodies, leaving only bones behind.

Lady Willow: "That thing eats faster than King Xander."

Joss, the Enchanter: "I warned you. But would you listen? Noooo. I create this little world and you just ignore me."

Lady Cordelia: "Excuse me, but if you’re not going to help us kill it, please, shut up!"

Joss, the Enchanter: "Well!"

Lady Buffy: "Well, it may have fangs, but it’s not a vampire. I don’t know how to kill it."

King Xander: "Sir Giles, have you consulted your books?"

Sir Giles: "Um, of course I have. Brother Maynard, have you found anything that may work against this fiend?"

Brother Maynard: "Perhaps the Holy Handgrenade, Sir."

Sir Giles: "Yes, of course, the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch! Good thinking. Bring it here."

Brother Maynard gets the Holy Handgrenade, and prepares to read the proper prayer.

Brother Maynard: "O Lord. We beseech thee to bless thy Holy Handgrenade, that it may protect the righteous from the sharp pointy toothed beasts of the world. May your divine grace give us the strength to defeat this retched rabbit. In your name we shall pull the holy pin and on the count of three, no more and no less, we shall lobbeth thy Holy Handgrenade at thine enemy, who, being found naughty in your eyes, shall snuffeth. Amen."

Brother Maynard hands to the Holy Handgrenade to King Xander, who, despite a career ending injury, still has a good arm, shall throw it.

King Xander: "One, two, five!"

Lady Willow: "Three!"

King Xander: "Right, three!"

King Xander throws the Holy Handgrenade. It is right on target and explodes on contact, destroying the killer rabbit.

King Xander: "I was never good at the math."

Lady Cordelia crosses to King Xander.

Lady Cordelia: "Nice throw. I really want to thank you for..."

King Xander: "Ah, no big deal."

Lady Willow: "Right. Lucky shot. Let’s go, right Sir Giles?"

Lady Cordelia, shocked that she was cut off, walks away from King Xander.

Sir Giles: Yes, time is running short and we must find the writings of Olfin Regwein of Regged, in this cave."

Everyone gets their stuff together. This time, it’s Lady Willow and Lady Cordelia’s turn to pull Sir Angel’s box. They head into the Cave of Kylebannor.

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What was Cordelia going to say to King Xander? Where did all those soldiers come from? Why, in the movie, does the guy’s, who writes on the rock in the cave, name change? Why did you have to wait so long for this? None of these questions will ever be answered next time. Same Buffy Channel, Different Buffy Time.