BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER AND THE HOLY GRAIL
PART 7
We pick up our story after our valiant crusaders for the Holy Grail have divided. And now the
story of Lady Buffy.
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Lady Cordelia, the Self Involved: "I love your dress. Where did you get it?"
Lady Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: "I got it at The Castle Keep. Where’d you get yours?"
Lady Cordelia: "Well, all my dresses are made especially for me, but The Keep has the best shoes."
Lady Buffy: "Yeah, I know. That’s where I get all my boots."
Lady Cordelia: "You know, you have a great fashion sense for someone who hangs out with losers all the time. I mean, were
you always this weird?"
Lady Buffy: "Just when I was beginning to enjoy your conversation..."
Sir Robin, the Not So Brave: "Ladies, look!"
Ahead of them, a fierce sword fight is being fought. The two knights, one in black and one in
silver armor, are obviously fighting masters. They parry and lunge, jump and spin, and clash swords and hands, until the Black
Knight breaks through his opponents defenses and defeats him in a battle to the death. He pushes the dead knight aside and
returns to stand attention at his post in front of the only bridge across the stream for miles in either direction.
Lady Buffy: "He’s good."
Sir Robin: "Yes, we could use someone with the strength and skills to..."
Lady Buffy: "Hey, that’s my line! But, you do have a point. Let’s ask if he’ll join us, OK?"
Sir Robin: "Sounds good to me."
Lady Cordelia: "Sure, whatever. I just hope he’s not certifiable, like Lancelot."
The group approaches the Black Knight. He stands motionless.
Lady Buffy: "Hello, Sir. We are from Sunnydale, and we are on a search to find the Holy Grail. Would you like to join us?"
The Black Knight:
Lady Buffy: "You are a strong and powerful knight, and we could use your assistance."
The Black Knight:
Lady Buffy: "You’ll get to fight a lot of people?"
Lady Cordelia: "Gee, Buffy, why don’t you just get down on your knees and beg the guy? Pathetic."
Lady Buffy glares at Lady Cordelia. Then returns her gaze to the Black Knight. "You make me sad. Well if you’re not
coming with us, could you excuse us, we’ve got an elsewhere to be."
The Black Knight: "None shall pass."
Lady Buffy and Lady Cordelia: "Excuse me?"
The Black Knight: "None shall pass."
Lady Buffy: "OK, I don’t have time for your games, Mr. Why don’t you just move out of the way before someone
gets hurt."
Lady Cordelia: "Yeah, move your extreme weirdness out of my way so I can get to the next castle and change out of this
dress. It’s ruined!"
Sir Robin: "Lady Buffy, how about you distract him, and I’ll escort Lady Cordelia and my minstrels across the bridge."
The Black Knight: "None shall pass."
Lady Buffy: "That’s it. I’m crossing the bridge whether you like it or not."
As Lady Buffy approaches the bridge, the Black Knight pulls out his sword and gets in attack
position.
Lady Buffy: "Hey, don’t make me slay you." She looks around. "I don’t think stakes are gonna work on this guy.
Sir Robin, throw me your sword."
Sir Robin tosses Lady Buffy his sword, and the battle begins. Parry. Thrust. Counter. Kick.
Thrust. Crash. They part briefly.
Lady Buffy: "Your strong, but I’m stronger. Prepare for a little slice and dice."
Lady Buffy and the Black Knight restart their battle. After a few amazing clashes, Lady Buffy
chops off the Black Knights arm.
Lady Buffy: "OK, now why don’t you stand aside, before I really do some damage."
The Black Knight: "’Tis but a scratch."
Everyone else: "A scratch!"
Lady Buffy: "Your arms off!"
The Black Knight: "Just a flesh wound."
The Black Knight attacks Lady Buffy with his good arm.
Lady Cordelia: "Do you know anyone name Sir Lancelot?"
Minstrel Bart: "Hey Homer, tell the Doc we found the one armed man."
Minstrel Homer: "Doh!"
During this second battle, Lady Buffy severs his other arm.
Lady Buffy: "OK, everybody. Let’s go."
As they start to leave, Lady Buffy gets kicked from behind.
Lady Buffy: "Ow! What do you think you’re doing!"
The Black Knight: "I have sworn, no one shall cross this bridge alive." He kicks her again.
Lady Buffy: "Ow, quit it!" She gets kicked again. "All right that’s it." She chops off his kicking leg. "Now leave
us alone."
As she turns around, the Black Knight starts headbutting everyone. In frustration, Lady Buffy
takes off his other leg with one swift blow.
Lady Cordelia: "OK, now can we go. Ewe, I don’t think I’m ever going to get the blood out."
Lady Buffy: "Yeah, I think we’re done here."
They cross the bridge and head to the castle ahead. From behind they can still hear the Black
Knight.
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The Black Night: "Come back here and take what’s coming to you! You yellow bellied swine! I’ll bite your knees
off! Now, where’s my sword?"
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Lady Cordelia: "Gee, Buffy, could that have been any more graphic?"
Sir Robin: "Yeah, I’m gonna have nightmares for weeks."
As they head off towards the castle, Sir Robins minstrels play a victory march. "...To fight and kill..."
Sir Robin: "Shh, stop that!"
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Will they ever reach the castle? Will Sir Robin ever sleep through the night again? Will Lady Cordelia ever remove that
stain? Will there be any normal people in this story? I don’t know, I haven’t written that part yet. Next part
next week: Same Buffy Channel, Different Buffy Time
